Thursday, March 31, 2011

I don't lose focus. That's not tr- IS THAT A PUPPY?

My life has been hectic for the past week, but I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. These aren't the eyes of a crazy person! I'm not crazy...

Yes, Edgar Allen Poe is my favorite 19th century author... Why do you ask?

When reading anything I've written, you'd probably think I wasn't serious or that I'm exaggerating. You would be wrong, my friends. Every sentence I've written has been full of serious thoughts, and I don't exaggerate- that squirrel really was the size of a bear. It's a Bearrel.

My family knows this after they asked me to make my grandfather's birthday invitations (and I compared the birth of my grandfather to the birth of all the Jonas Brothers).

This is why I am very shocked that my family would ask me to write the first ever family newsletter. I'm pretty sure my family is full of cold-hearted jerkbaskets who like to watch me lose sleep and cry. Nevertheless, I took the job.

Here are three reasons why my family will never ask me to write a newsletter again...

1.) My grammar sucks
My sucky grammar from everyday communication becomes frozen on paper when I write. Of course, it's worse in real life. If I had a nickle for each time somebody laughed when I used "got" instead of "have", I'd have lots of nickles. I could build a palace for Dog that was made out of nickle, and it would be a huge palace because my dog is kind of a prima donna.

Although I don't say words like "ain't" online, most people can see that I am uneducated. I am educated but learning about grammar makes me worse at grammar. In 8th grade, we learned all about commas. I became a comma champion. In 9th grade, we learned about commas. This has screwed me over.

This isn't funny at all. The whole "Let's eat, Grandma!" versus "Let's eat Grandma!" thing has resulted in the loss of many family members.
I'm sorry I love you grandma.

2.) I know nothing
What do you write in a newsletter? I asked my dad, and he said, "Write about that one thing that happened to your Aunt Lilly that one time."

What happened? Am I supposed to know these things? Do I even have an Aunt Lilly?

3.) I lose focus
Excerpt from the beginning of the newsletter...
"I have to admit, this newsletter will probably not inform you at all. This is what the rest of my family gets when they ask me to write the newsletter. Seriously, I’d rather be playing Star Wars alone in my room. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I play a mean Darth Vader..."

Excerpt from the end of the newsletter...
"I really want a kitty. I even wrote this poem about cats.
Cats are fluffy
and stuff
I like them
and stuff
I have a new pair
of pants"

I really want to know what my family was thinking when they asked me to do this.

[EDIT] I have just been informed that the newsletter will not be sent out. Being informed about "serious issues affecting our family" is apparently more important than my cat poem. They obviously don't know how long I googled pictures of cats to write that poem. I like the pictures of kittens in teacups. [/EDIT]


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. If I wrote a newsletter, it would sound very simliar to yours. Seriously, I would much rather a poem about a cat than read about all the wonderful multiple vacations some relative has already shared/bragged about on Facebook.

    Visiting here LBS! :-)

  3. Oh, Lord, I just love you! Now pardon me, because I have to go change my pants and clean up the tea I snorted all over my keyboard reading this post. Oh, and then I'm going to try to take a picture of the Bearel in my backyard (are we neighbors?)

  4. My family is famous for those types of disconnected thoughts. We tell a story about my youngest... we were driving and he was talking about our Cat.. as he was talking we drove past the ice cream shop that has a very big chair in front... Here is his conversation... "Bella is not retarded.... Oh look a big chair..." Stopping by from The LBS... Looking forward to reading more from you.

  5. I love this! You are so funny! Oh wait...this was serious?...I am a new follower from the Tea party... and I would have sent out your newsletter...Pinkim from TrulySimplyPink

  6. Come join our family. Great post.

  7. I think your family did the right thing choosing you. You are a very engaging writer. Grammar shmammer.

    I think the news letter would be like a blog about your family.

    "The whole "Let's eat, Grandma!" versus "Let's eat Grandma!" thing has resulted in the loss of many family members." This made me laugh. I'm married to a grammarian (from a family of grammarians,) but he's sweet about it, so I'm lucky.

  8. Oh yeah, I'm here from the LBS. ;-)

  9. Very, very funny! I think newsletters should be funny! LOVED the title of this post... was it a puppy?? Visiting from LB Tea Party and so glad I did!!

  10. Thanks for your comments and subscriptions everyone.

    And yes, it was a puppy.

  11. Visiting from LBS and I just love it... now I'm wondering how I can become an honorary member of your family just to receive the newsletter!

    Do I have to like kitty's though... cause I'm really more of a puppy person.

  12. Visiting from the Lady Blogger Tea Party :)

  13. Sounds so much like me.

  14. First time reader, lifetime fan. You were cracking me up. I know what you mean about grammar. I was so worried about my "lack of education" in grammar, that I did not let my friends know that I was blogging until I had a few fans. LOL!!
    I liked your writing style. Nobody wants to read a blog post that reads like a textbook. Keep up the great posts, I'm looking forward to reading more.

  15. I just don't understand family newsletters. If it's not important enough to tell people at the time why is it important once a year? Do people save up for newsletters? Weirdness.

    I'm a freelance writer with dyslexia. My grammar is... off. My spelling is atrocious (had to look up how to spell that). I also have a good friend who is a Grammar Nazi. I don't think she reads my blog any more.

    We all stumble along ;-)

  16. Here from Lady Bloggers! You are hilarious.

  17. Just stopping by from the Lady Bloggers Society and so glad I did. Sooo enjoyed it. Thanks for the smiles and I will definitely stop by again!

  18. I happen to love your cat poem. It's thrilling and moving, and the twist about the pants at the end was just genius!

    Stopping in from the LBS tea party.

  19. Visiting from the Tea Party.

    I think this might be why my family doesn't have a family newsletter. We all get so distracted and would rather ramble than actually report "news." I do have a cousin that does a newsletter for his household but I think it only lasted a few months.

    You're hilariously refreshing, btw.

  20. LOL, loved your sense of humor and laughed so much while reading about the newsletter and the demise of your computer/laptop!

    keep writing, totally funny!!!

  21. I am visiting from Lady Blogger. Pretty funny. I think my favorite is the post about your dead laptop. It made me laugh. Also When you said that you looked up your sickness on WebMd. That made me smile. I can relate.

  22. it was interesting to read... :) You're so funny!! I would like to follow you, so i'm looking forward for your stories... :)
    I hope we'll hang up at the Lady Blogger tea Party!! :)


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