Thursday, March 31, 2011
I don't lose focus. That's not tr- IS THAT A PUPPY?
Yes, Edgar Allen Poe is my favorite 19th century author... Why do you ask?
When reading anything I've written, you'd probably think I wasn't serious or that I'm exaggerating. You would be wrong, my friends. Every sentence I've written has been full of serious thoughts, and I don't exaggerate- that squirrel really was the size of a bear. It's a Bearrel.
My family knows this after they asked me to make my grandfather's birthday invitations (and I compared the birth of my grandfather to the birth of all the Jonas Brothers).
This is why I am very shocked that my family would ask me to write the first ever family newsletter. I'm pretty sure my family is full of cold-hearted jerkbaskets who like to watch me lose sleep and cry. Nevertheless, I took the job.
Here are three reasons why my family will never ask me to write a newsletter again...
1.) My grammar sucks
My sucky grammar from everyday communication becomes frozen on paper when I write. Of course, it's worse in real life. If I had a nickle for each time somebody laughed when I used "got" instead of "have", I'd have lots of nickles. I could build a palace for Dog that was made out of nickle, and it would be a huge palace because my dog is kind of a prima donna.
Although I don't say words like "ain't" online, most people can see that I am uneducated. I am educated but learning about grammar makes me worse at grammar. In 8th grade, we learned all about commas. I became a comma champion. In 9th grade, we learned about commas. This has screwed me over.
This isn't funny at all. The whole "Let's eat, Grandma!" versus "Let's eat Grandma!" thing has resulted in the loss of many family members.
I'm sorry I love you grandma.
2.) I know nothing
What do you write in a newsletter? I asked my dad, and he said, "Write about that one thing that happened to your Aunt Lilly that one time."
What happened? Am I supposed to know these things? Do I even have an Aunt Lilly?
3.) I lose focus
Excerpt from the beginning of the newsletter...
"I have to admit, this newsletter will probably not inform you at all. This is what the rest of my family gets when they ask me to write the newsletter. Seriously, I’d rather be playing Star Wars alone in my room. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I play a mean Darth Vader..."
Excerpt from the end of the newsletter...
"I really want a kitty. I even wrote this poem about cats.
Cats are fluffy
I like them
I have a new pair
I really want to know what my family was thinking when they asked me to do this.
[EDIT] I have just been informed that the newsletter will not be sent out. Being informed about "serious issues affecting our family" is apparently more important than my cat poem. They obviously don't know how long I googled pictures of cats to write that poem. I like the pictures of kittens in teacups. [/EDIT]