Thursday, March 31, 2011

I don't lose focus. That's not tr- IS THAT A PUPPY?

My life has been hectic for the past week, but I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. These aren't the eyes of a crazy person! I'm not crazy...

Yes, Edgar Allen Poe is my favorite 19th century author... Why do you ask?

When reading anything I've written, you'd probably think I wasn't serious or that I'm exaggerating. You would be wrong, my friends. Every sentence I've written has been full of serious thoughts, and I don't exaggerate- that squirrel really was the size of a bear. It's a Bearrel.

My family knows this after they asked me to make my grandfather's birthday invitations (and I compared the birth of my grandfather to the birth of all the Jonas Brothers).

This is why I am very shocked that my family would ask me to write the first ever family newsletter. I'm pretty sure my family is full of cold-hearted jerkbaskets who like to watch me lose sleep and cry. Nevertheless, I took the job.

Here are three reasons why my family will never ask me to write a newsletter again...

1.) My grammar sucks
My sucky grammar from everyday communication becomes frozen on paper when I write. Of course, it's worse in real life. If I had a nickle for each time somebody laughed when I used "got" instead of "have", I'd have lots of nickles. I could build a palace for Dog that was made out of nickle, and it would be a huge palace because my dog is kind of a prima donna.

Although I don't say words like "ain't" online, most people can see that I am uneducated. I am educated but learning about grammar makes me worse at grammar. In 8th grade, we learned all about commas. I became a comma champion. In 9th grade, we learned about commas. This has screwed me over.

This isn't funny at all. The whole "Let's eat, Grandma!" versus "Let's eat Grandma!" thing has resulted in the loss of many family members.
I'm sorry I love you grandma.

2.) I know nothing
What do you write in a newsletter? I asked my dad, and he said, "Write about that one thing that happened to your Aunt Lilly that one time."

What happened? Am I supposed to know these things? Do I even have an Aunt Lilly?

3.) I lose focus
Excerpt from the beginning of the newsletter...
"I have to admit, this newsletter will probably not inform you at all. This is what the rest of my family gets when they ask me to write the newsletter. Seriously, I’d rather be playing Star Wars alone in my room. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I play a mean Darth Vader..."

Excerpt from the end of the newsletter...
"I really want a kitty. I even wrote this poem about cats.
Cats are fluffy
and stuff
I like them
and stuff
I have a new pair
of pants"

I really want to know what my family was thinking when they asked me to do this.

[EDIT] I have just been informed that the newsletter will not be sent out. Being informed about "serious issues affecting our family" is apparently more important than my cat poem. They obviously don't know how long I googled pictures of cats to write that poem. I like the pictures of kittens in teacups. [/EDIT]

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

She's dead but I'm going to hold onto her dead body for awhile

I met her 3 years ago. Julietta. I had this awesome connection with her, and it wasn’t the same connecting I had with my ‘best friend’ a few years ago. That friendship ended in sadness when my "friend" said that labeling her as a friend was ruining her chances of ever actually having friends. Julietta and I had a two way friendship connection.
Score 1 for geeks everywhere.
Now, she’s dead.
I’m sad.
I may have shed a few tears.
Dog tried cheering me up by dragging rabbit feces through the house that may or may not have had deadly diseases. (I love that dog.)
I was so distressed that I forget to wash my hair so it’s greasy.
I sat down on the sidewalk crying, makeup running down my eyes to my cheeks and my hair a greasy mess.
Somebody asked if I was Ke$ha.
Things just haven’t been going well.
I was just searching the web for pictures of Bob Saget when she just died.
It wasn’t my fault. Her screen just transformed into a random swirl of colors and blurs. I unplugged her charger from the wall outlet and promised that I would find some way to revive her.
I imagined Geek Squad would pull her apart on a table and say, “We can rebuild her. We have the technology and all that money we scammed out of those computer buffoons.”
Those geeks suck because she’s dead. They are computer geeks, but they let my computer down. Do you see Star Wars geeks speaking Klingon?  Do you see Apple geeks peeing on iPods and buying Zunes? No, you don’t because you are never supposed to fail at what geekery you specify in, ESPECIALLY if you chose a career in your geek field.
Why computer geeks? Why?
I planned a laptop funeral and said good-bye to all my files and embarrassing photos.
I’m just going to keep her damaged screen and busted body in the other room for now…
Maybe someday she can be fixed.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Insane Beginnings

I finally found the perfect new blog name, new platform, and new look. And now? I’m sick.
I spent all day lying in bed because I had nothing to do. Then I remembered I was literate and had a laptop.
Ah, sweet internet, my true love.
I was feeling so poorly that my first internet stop was WebMD.
Now I know that I either have a cold or a disease that can only be cured with the removal of my prostate.
I didn't even know I was a man. This is life changing.